BDSM & Marriage

Dirk Hooper 2012/01/14 1
BDSM & Marriage

BDSM & Marriage by Tara Buckley

“Just because you’re a slave to your lover in the bedroom doesn’t mean you have to be a slave to him in the rest of your life.” -SM 101

The impetus for this article was another article. The author suggests a gradual introduction of submissive behavior into one’s marriage through non-sexual submission. I liked the article for its gentle, encouraging tone, but that was not my personal experience and would not have worked in my marriage. My submission is entirely sexual. Period. When I began to contemplate introducing D/s into our marriage, if I had offered to make my husband a drink or bring him his slippers, he would have wondered if I was having a psychotic episode.

So how did it happen? How did this vanilla housewife get to have her kink and eat it too?

It seems to be the story of my life: swearing that I will never do something and then wondering, in hindsight, why I would ever make such a silly vow in the first place. So it was with BDSM. I had read my share of Anais Nin and Pauline Reage when I was younger, but I wasn’t in a relationship (nor emotionally mature enough to own my own desires) at the time, so it never occurred to me to translate those titillating fantasies into reality.

Oddly enough (or not odd at all), I think I can carbon date my real interest in BDSM to when I became pregnant with my son several years ago. I seriously believe that the presence of his testosterone in my body changed my chemical make-up. I was totally sexed up for the entire pregnancy (and, thankfully, ever since). During the pregnancy, I would wake up and masturbate every morning before I even got out of bed (in hindsight, it was too good to be true, I could practically have an orgasm by closing my eyes and humming…takes a bit more than that these days). My husband was pleasantly surprised by my newfound erotic enthusiasm. Before, I’d been a once-a-week kind of gal. It rarely occurred to me to initiate sex. It was something we both enjoyed, but I usually felt like I was too tired or too busy with “everything else” to get around to it. And forget blow jobs. I just wasn’t into them. (Poor husband.)

Enter the Kindle. After I put the Kindle app on my iPod Touch, I started downloading all sorts of erotica. I really enjoyed Dominique Adair’s novellas and later, really really enjoyed Molly Weatherfield’s Carrie’s Story and Safe Word and Lauren Dane’s Undercover. Apparently, there was a whole world of kinky submissive pleasure out there. Unfortunately, it only happened in futuristic space colonies, or to lucky graduate students in San Francisco. And then it eventually dawned on me: I had a perfectly good man sitting right in front of me with whom I might explore it. Here on planet earth, in the comfort of my very own bedroom.

I think, like many good men of a certain age, my husband has always wanted me to know that he loves my brain. We are equals. How could I broach the subject of, well, wanting him to subject me? Once again. I relied on books. I read the opening scene of Carrie’s Story to him one night (you know the one, where Carrie’s on the floor sucking Jonathan’s balls while he reads the Sunday book review and he absentmindedly pets her?) And guess what? Yeah. That. Turns out my husband totally loved that shit. Jackpot.

Nothing happened overnight. Nor, without sounding too preachy, should it. We tried new positions, explored fantasies, gradually introduced toys, read up on our, er, options. We have gone down this road together. It has been awesome.

And it totally works for us to keep the D/s entirely in the bedroom. When I read parts of Bambi Bottom’s interview in Different Loving, I do have moments of wondering whether or not I could really do that kind of TPE 24/7…maybe. It sounds deliriously sexy. But I doubt I could do it with my husband. He and I have too many years of intellectual sparring under our belts. We both enjoy that combative, verbal part of our relationship. Challenging one another outside of the bedroom makes us feel compatible and loving in other ways.

Since I am a writer, by profession and by vocation, I began reprocessing all of these experiences through my writing. Then one day, I had coffee with a friend who confessed that she had never had an orgasm during PIV sex with her husband of twenty years. I was so profoundly sad for her. I started to wonder what it would be like for a wife who hadn’t been as fortunate as I was. What if you finally discovered these were your latent desires and your husband wasn’t so…accommodating?

Or what if you were a husband who thought your Feminist Wife would divorce you if you even suggested collaring her (much less tying her to the bed and leaving her there to wonder if you would release her anytime soon)? I felt so lucky! I wanted to share that optimism. And then I got into the nuts-and-bolts, reading great non-fiction like Different Loving and SM 101 to learn the ins and outs of this wonderful new world. And all of that led to my first foray into writing erotica.

Boy, did the words fly, and boy, did my marital audience of one like reading them! Now that my first book is out there in the world and resonating with other married people, I feel like a bit of a crusader. Bringing BDSM into our marriage has catapulted our relationship into something so much richer and more joyful. I want to encourage long-term couples everywhere to discover what they really want and to have the courage to ask for it. So many of us slip into patterns or roles or assumptions about ourselves and one another. Your spouse might surprise you. You might surprise yourself.

Tara Buckley is the author of “The Realm of You” (available now) and “The Reins of Love” (due in February).
Website: www.tarabuckley.com
Twitter: @tara_buckley

Purchase links:
Amazon: http://amzn.com/B006HZW1GI
B&N: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-realm-of-you-tara-buckley/1107871476
Smashwords: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/111465

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